In terms of book recommendations on parenting, Chap Bettis's The Disciple-Making Parent sits at the top of my list. Bettis provides excellent biblical wisdom and practical tips to parent well, gives practical encouragement while guarding against unrealistic expectations and "silver-bullet solutions," and emphasizes the essential work of the Holy Spirit both in our own lives and in the lives of our children. Below are 10 takeaways from Bettis's book, The Disciple-Making Parent: A Comprehensive Guidebook for Raising Your Children to Love and Follow Jesus Christ.
ONE - THE PERFECT ENVIRONMENT FOR FULFILLING THE GREAT COMISSION IS FOUND IN THE FAMILY. The foundational parenting text is Matthew 28:18-20. The family provides the ideal environment for incarnational life on life discipleship.
“The first battleground of family discipleship is not my child’s heart; it is my heart. Each parent must decide whether he is more concerned that his child is accepted into heaven or Harvard … There can only be one first priority … If our children lose the crown of life, there will be a small consolation that they have won laurels of literature or art.” 17
“The main question for us and our children is not, 'What did they believe?' Rather, the operative question is, 'What do they love?' Salvation is a transfer of love of self to love of Christ.” 266
TWO - DISCIPLE-MAKING PARENTS LIKE THEIR CHILDREN. In a gospel-centric, grace-filled home, children know that their parents love them ... but they also know that their parents really like them. They are more aware of their parent’s affection than they are of their correction. They see their parents need for a Savior in their lifestyle of repentance. Disciple-making parents (DMPs) humbly acknowledge when they've messed up, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. They model reconciliation by pursuing reconciliation themselves. In so doing, they are teaching their children how to restore relationships. Children who observe their parents own up to their sin, repent of their sin, and refuse to make excuses for their sin will have good examples to follow.
“So many of the problems in life can be handled if a parent has a warm and affectionate relationship with his child. How many of those earlier complaints of prodigals could’ve been handled by kind, attentive conversation.” 32
“My children’s greatest need is not a parent who pretends to be perfect. Much more important is a parent who senses his need for the Savior to cleanse and the Spirit to empower.” 53
“A Christian is not a man who never goes wrong, but a man who is enabled to repent.” Charles Spurgeon 53
THREE - WE DISCIPLINE OUR CHILDREN BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM. We discipline our children now to save them from greater pain tomorrow ... and ultimately to save them from an eternity were self-centeredness reigns.
“We inflict a little pain now when they are small so that they will avoid larger pain when they are young adults.” 67
FOUR - HOW IS OFTEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT. We must be intentional about getting to know the hearts of our children and express love and affection in a way that each can understand. Intentional, individual conversations with our children are essential in hearing and communicating with their hearts. Often, how things are decided is far more important than what is decided. DMPs pray for and develop wisdom to speak the right words at the right time with the right posture.
“At the core of a healthy, discipling relationship is an open, affectionate intimacy from parent to child and child to parent.” 95
FIVE - DELIGHT IN CHRIST. Because our most important task is to share the gospel with our children in a loving and winsome way, it is essential that we delight in Christ through His Word and through prayer. In so doing, we can help our children develop a love and a hunger for the Word as well as the posture of a learner. We must find different ways to consistently do family worship in a way that reflects a “genuine, relaxed enjoyment of the Word” (135).
“Their [our children's] understandings are like narrow neck vessels: we must pour in the wine of knowledge gradually, or much of it will be spilled and lost." J. C. Ryle
“There is something about family devotions that seems to wrap a number of spiritual dynamics in one package. A man is reminded of his appointment as pastor of his family.” 154
“Deep happened because consistency happened.” 155
SIX - WE ARE ENGAGED IN A COSMIC BATTLE AND LIVE LIKE IT. We are in a battle fighting to “take the land,” battle spiritual enemies, and expand God’s kingdom. We must bring our children along with us and teach them how to live passionate and purposeful lives.
“It is as our children take up the cause of Christ themselves that they begin to know and experience God. They are arrows in the hands of warriors, ready to let fly.” 167
“Hearts of service weaken self-absorption.” 169
“There is something inherently inappropriate about cherishing small ambitions for God.” John Stott
SEVEN - IT DOESN'T RELY SOLELY ON US. A lack of prayer is a sign of unhealthy self-confidence and pride in ourselves. So is trying to raise our children independent of the encouragement, correction, and accountability that is necessary from other godly men and women speaking into our children's lives. Because none of us have it all figured out, we depend on God and profit from the influence of other godly believers as they encourage, teach, coach, and speak into the lives of our children. Recognizing that our children are in God’s hands, we intercede to God on their behalf. We teach our children how to pray by praying in the very midst of trouble, providing moments for our children to pray and confess sin, by giving them structure for prayer, and by turning moments of awe into moments of praise. (1 Tim 2:8)
“My [children’s] greatest need is my personal holiness.” Paraphrase of Robert Murray M'Cheyne
EIGHT - WE MUST ANTICIPATE AND THUS BE PREPARED FOR DOUBTS FROM OUR CHILDREN. Because we know from experience how a timely answer has alleviated our own doubts in difficult moments, we can anticipate doubts from our children and prepare ourselves to respond with a quiet confidence when questions arise. We must be prepared to teach our children what we believe and why we believe it. We can also anticipate questions and thoughts from our children that God is “holding out on them.” We must thus be intentional and ready to equip them with godly wisdom. (1 Peter 3:15, Mark 9:24, Colossians 2:8)
NINE - EMPHASIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF CHOOSING FRIENDS WISELY. Because the friends that we choose have a massive impact on the direction of our lives, we will teach our children how to be good friends, help them know who to pursue as friends, what sweet friendships look like, and how to walk away from toxic or damaging relationships when necessary.
Friendship: a mutually supportive and affectionate relationship around some interest.
“What we hope for is an affectionate relationship that has a love for Christ at its deepest core.” 230
“One of the most important habits we can inculcate in our children is going to church and having spiritual fellowship with other Christians.” 237
TEN - APPLY SCRIPTURE WISELY AS SOJOURNERS. As incarnational pilgrims, we will seek to follow the narrow path between libertinism and legalism, teaching our children how to live in the world while being separate from the world. We must teach our children how to use biblical wisdom and apply biblical principles in the large gray areas of life. We will evaluate current cultural trends against the Bible, protect our children from ungodly media, teach and model self-control with technology and the arts, and, with God's help, rule over the temptations of this age ourselves.
“The glory of the gospel is that when the church is absolutely different from the world, she invariably attracts it … It should not be our ambition to be as much like everybody else as we can … Our ambition should be to be like Christ, the more like him the better. And the more like Him we become, the more useful to the world we will be.” Martin-Lloyd Jones”
“For many Christians, the Holy Spirit is a forgotten force: a dormant it, not a powerful He. For too many parents, He is an unappropriated resource.” 253
“Duty is ours; results are Gods.” 275
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